Alberto Nini von Khulo - The S.A.D. Interview (Part One)

by Brantly Martin

13 August 2013

ANVK Sad Interview

The S.A.D. Foundation recently set up and documented a conversation between Installation Artist / Painter / Curator / Photographer / Video Essayist / Model and S.A.D. Ambassador, Alberto Nini von Khulo, and the Philosopher / Heiress / Gala Attendee / Model and S.A.D. Media Emoter at Large, Emanation En Haut Flaum. 

Alberto Nini von Khulo is the son of legendary Editor, Porno-Feminist, Hostess, Model, Tweeter, Thrice Widowed and Renowned Tastemaker, Nina von Khulo (née Strons, née Pendé, née Smith), and her husband, the Collector and Financier, Sir Alfred Lawrence von Khulo. Emanation En Haut Flaum is the daughter of the heiress, Affectation Greenhill-l’Huile Flaum (née Flaun), and her husband, Count Flaum. 

This is a S.A.D. Media exclusive, recorded during the lead up to Mr. von Khulo’s third show, “King Nepo’s Scheiße.” As with his prior two shows, “King Nepo’s Scheiße” will be taking place at The Bridge To Nowhere Gallery, which is funded, in part and whole, by The S.A.D. Foundation.  

[Note: The S.A.D. Foundation is a collective composed of the parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and trust funds of the S.A.D. Collective. Its purpose is to ensure the success of the collective members’ offspring. This was examined in the last issue of S.A.D. Revue Paris, in the article, “No Worse Than Middle-Class Americans.” The article’s conclusion was providing jobs, leverage, large sums of money, commissions, buying abhorrent art and photos produced by, curated by, exhibited by, or benefiting other children of parents in the collective, and overall conspiring to convince others that their children had even a modicum of talent is no different than middle-class Americans providing “participation” trophies to their kids. Nina von Khulo (née Strons, née Pendé, née Smith): “The middle-class puts pictures of their kids online and encourages them, why shouldn’t we do what we do, darling?”]

The following conversation took place inside The Bridge To Nowhere Gallery. The artwork was transported in only hours prior. 

Emanation En Haut Flaum: Alberto, first let me say, wow! What an accomplishment. Your third major show. Your third show at The Bridge To Nowhere Gallery. Your third show sponsored by The S.A.D. Foundation. 

Alberto Nini von Khulo: Thank you Emanation. It’s been a lot of hard work. It’s amazing to see the lump sum in one place. It’s a little scary… There is a presence in the air...almost a toxicity of synchronicity. (von Khulo pretends to lose his breath) 

EEHF: I can imagine. Let’s talk about your first show, “Thought Process.” It still resonates throughout "certain" circles as the defining moment of the post-post Sangue Now movement. 

ANVK: I’m so glad you brought up “Thought Process.” I had never thought of curating a show before “TP” as I call it. The truth is, it wasn’t just me. It was S.A.D. You know, a little bit of the same people calling the same people—a real collective moment, a time for S.A.D. to shine—and it just sort of happened. But that’s beside the point. I loved your piece in TP.

EEHF: Thank you. It was an interesting experience. Your mom called my dad and proposed that I, like everyone else involved, write one word on an index card that defines the meaning of existence. I chose to do nothing. 

ANVK: Exactly! You did nothing. But…you did tons of press about doing nothing. It was extraordinary. As you know we sold that piece of nothing for…well talking about money is vulgar... Let’s just say…well… (they both smirk understanding) My assistant simply opened and closed a Ziploc bag and handed it to the representative of the anonymous buyer. It was revolutionary!

EEHF: (blushing) Oh, thank you. (composing herself) Let’s talk about the centerpiece of “King Nepo’s Scheiße.” Which, as has been leaked to the press, is your shit. Not just a little shit, but thirty years worth of shit. Is that right?

ANVK: Yes, it is. I started collecting my shit about a year ago. At first I simply put it in an ice chest. After that I bought the apartment next to mine and filled it with industrial size freezers and filled them all full of my shit. Big shits. Little shits. All the shit in between... Once those were full—and I found myself months away from the exhibition and with the idea to create a piece that included all the pieces of shit that have ever come out of me—I had to get resourceful. 

Example static alt text

EEHF: That’s when you contacted…who was it?

ANVK: (rubbing his chin, about to reveal a mystery) Emanation…how can I put this...modestly? I had the brilliant, breakthrough idea—an actual eureka moment—to clone my shit. I had the idea—since I only had one year’s worth of my shit—to replicate that shit and produce the exact amount of shit that’s come out of me…since I was born! 

EEHF: Alberto, I had no idea! That’s nothing short of precisely what people like you and I need to put out into the universe. And…it’s precisely what the universe needs from people like us: a life’s worth of our shit. Pure genius. Organique! Locale!

ANVK: Thank you so much Emanation.

EEHF: How did you bring all this shit to life?

ANVK: Much like Warhol, my idol, and someone who stayed with my parents many times: I have a factory at my disposal. I simply called my uncle and asked him to get in contact with someone who works in cloning. Luckily one of his friends is the top investor in cloning technology on Earth… What are the odds?! My mom’s friend, along with the team of PR people who’ve worked full time for me since I was four, simply pressured the doctor to take a break from, like, actual human cloning to clone my shit down to the exact weight and size of every bowel movement I've blessed the world with. 

EEHF: (very impressed) True powers of persuasion my little Albertini. 

ANVK: It wasn’t easy. We had to buy a newspaper in Germany and run a series of articles titled, “The Noble Species of Feces.” It took a while. Building a groundswell of support for such a scientific project is tougher than one might think. (he shrugs) But all in the name of progress. 

EEHF: All in the name of your first true masterpiece. (Alberto and Emanation share a knowing glance, one most people simply wouldn’t understand) Can you explain to our audience the ins and outs of such a piece of shit.

ANVK: Sure. After all my shit was collected, stored and cloned, my aunt had the largest terrarium slash log cabin known to man constructed. A modern brick shithouse, if you will. All my shit was classified by year of release—odd since the earlier years were cloned—and suspended as in inverse pyramid. So, for example, my infant shit is closer to the floor. As I’ve aged I’ve produced more shit. As one would expect.

EEHF: Exquisite. Scintillating. (Emanation audibly gushes)

ANVK: And…it probably goes without saying, but I’ll go there anyway... My shit doesn’t stink. Sans modification. It’s effervescent. It is La Merda del Puro. In fact, I’ve licensed my shit’s precise odor for a soon to be released line of unisex perfume. 

EEHF: That would be so great. Addictive. (Emanation almost falls out of her chair) Just imagine: “Alberto Nini von Khulo’s Philosophy in a Bottle: Holy Shit.” 

ANVK: Yes! That name just might capture it! The gestalt! One second, let me text my people. (Alberto and Emanation both tap their phones) Where were we?—oh it doesn’t matter. Let’s talk about you. (Emanation strokes her hair and tosses it back) You’ve become one of the most respected philosophe in the world. As the S.A.D. audience is mostly Americans, those reading this piece might not be aware that “philosopher” is both a term of respect and a full time job. 

EEHF: Too true Alberto! And—I might add—a responsibility I don’t take lightly. (a waiter arrives with a bottle of champagne and glasses)

ANVK: You’re a prolific author. Unmatched in modern literature. Let’s discuss your books.

EEHF: The My Philosophy series?

ANVK: But, of course! (the waiter pours champagne)

EEHF: The first in the series came out when I was five years old. Since then I’ve released one book a month. I’ll be the age of Jesus in two weeks. You do the math…I know I can’t! (they clink their glasses together)

ANVK: What is the philosophy behind My Philosophy? (Alberto is very serious as he grabs Emanation’s hand and continues) What is the essence of Emanation?

EEHF: (Emanation looks into the abyss and contemplates) It’s all there Alberto. It’s all in the books. Once a month I come out with a leather bound Moleskine style notepad. Engrained on the cover is My Philosophy by the great Emanation En Haut Flaum. Inside there are no pages, no pockets, no gadgets…nothing. 

ANVK: So powerful. Desecration through deconstruction by way of noblesse! Embracing the absurd. (they toast) Which begs the question: What do you sign?

EEHF: That’s where my philosophy comes in. More “my being” actually. I’ve never written a word in my life, why on earth would I want to sign anything? On my monthly book tours I simply bless the latest My Philosophy book. Not unlike any other guru. Each edition costs $100, it’s the least I can do.

ANVK: What a powerful message, Emanation.

EEHF: I know. I really do. But, we’re not here to talk about my literary career. Let’s get back to your shit and the rest of the “King Nepo’s Scheiße” exhibition. First, what’s the title of your piece?

ANVK: Great question. After much deliberation, meditation and parental mediation, we almost went with “All The Shit That Has Ever Been Squeezed out of Alberto Nini von Khulo” or “The Portable von Khulo” or “Alberto in a Terrarium” or “Shite Makes Right” or “Beware: Dumping Ground of Genius” or “Dung Fever” but, finally, my mom insisted on “I, Nina von Khulo (née Strons, née Pendé, née Smith), Made You Buy My Son’s Shit Just Because I Can.”

EEHF: (stunned by the creative sparks in the air) How apropos. 

ANVK: Isn’t it? It’s my most intellectually honest work to date. (the waiter pours more champagne) 

EEHF: How so?

ANVK: (Alberto takes a deep breath and another swig of champagne) The thing is, everyone reading this will think I’m full of shit, taking the piss, or fucking with them... They’re wrong. I’m fully aware of what’s happening, and you are too Emanation.

EEHF: Shall we go there?

ANVK: Let’s. (Alberto takes a long breath and seems to ponder the gravity of the information about to be passed on and recorded) Excuse me for one second Emanation. (Alberto is followed to the bathroom by an attractive male assistant, Ziploc bag in hand) 

to be continued...
Alberto Nini von Khulo - The S.A.D. Interview (Part Two) will appear soon

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