B Rant: "Bri-an Will-yums"

by Brantly Martin

24 March 2015

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B = me 
Rant = declaim violently and with little sense; rave


The thin line between entertainment and war
Zack de la Rocha, "No Shelter" 

Brian Williams—America's most digitally transmitted two-dimensional trust-me-face—admits he lied about a few things. In other developments: sex sells; one must be psychopathic to win a national election; technology has changed arm's-length to satellite's-length, which has allowed for more psychopathy; social media is a score-keeping video game played on handheld banking-tracking-mapping-spying devices; the new wealth discrepancy in American will be life expectancy, this will be kept under wraps (it already is) via disinformation and propaganda before it becomes the catalyst for ______; Jazz and Advertising has become Jingles and Journalism; Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón was from Mexico; there never were any weapons of mass destruction; pizza comes from Naples; you will soon hear more about Jeb Bush and his Catholic faith; certain smokeables induce an appetite; the Knicks will be awful again next year; it is not Orwellian if you do it to yourself; it is all bought and paid for son, especially that glitch in the algorithm that tells you “if you bought ______, you might like ______”; Al-Qaeda/ISIS will be given another name next year; social media is the largest free labor scheme ever concocted; musicians that avoid revolutionary thought will be promoted and promoted and promoted; more people would have linked to this column if I used a fat ass as the thumbnail.

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Sports News
All four #1 seeds lost to #16 seeds in the opening round of the NCAA tournament. It was the first time any #16 seed had ever beaten a #1 seed—much less the first time all four did it in the same tournament. The biggest upset was, of course, the undefeated Kentucky Wildcats losing to Hampton. This is already considered by many the biggest upset in the history of college basketball. Vegas had Kentucky as even odds to win the whole thing. 

World News
On the eve of the Israeli elections, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu declared his only mission, if re-elected, would be seeking the two-state solution. We'll never know what would have been after his narrow loss. “Bibi” promises to continue pushing for the two-state solution in, what is now, an unofficial capacity. 

Literary News
The book Lucious, Lucious . . . Lucious!, by Finnzel Egano, entered its 84th week atop the best seller list. The previously unknown Egano's mix of alien folklore, forced syncopation, word play via graphics, and what The Asino Observer called “an ongoing semantic birth—often wailing, sometimes still, never derivative—that escapes pejoration while slapping you again and again with the Wake Up! fact that America may have lost her traditional dialects but has invented them anew outside the homogenizing machinations of mainstream channels” has found, miraculously, manic readers (and re-readers) in the masses. Lucious, Lucious . . . Lucious! has been compared to both Finnegan's Wake and The Wire. It's initial print run of 3000 was given away via a revolutionary algorithmic method: an unidentified “hacker” (some think Finnzel Egano herself) wrote a computer program that scanned all social media platforms in search of the 3000  “ideal readers” most likely to identify with and “spread the word” about Lucious, Lucious . . . Lucious! Each of these 3000 “ideal readers” was sent a copy of Lucious, Lucious . . . Lucious! in the mail. Within a month 500,000 copies were ordered.

American News
The Supreme Court, in a shocking decision, ruled that all campaign fundraising is unconstitutional. The ruling went on to stipulate that advertisements, public endorsements, and party affiliations were  prohibited in Presidential elections. Violations would result in forfeiture of the right to ever run for public office again. Furthermore, the field will be open to anyone and everyone. Each candidate must submit a 100,000 word plan/manifesto: a “Planifesto.” In this document each candidate must list ten things they will do their first 30 days in office. If they fail to enact these promises they will be removed and replaced by the runner-up; and so on. 

Of course none of the above happened. It may have happened in another dimension—actually, no, even in another dimension none of that happened. More likely all of the above was reported as fact in another dimension, or a near future, where manipulation on a large scale is as easy as it is now for The Powers That Be to dictate first-hand Tall Tales about war-zone (and other unseen) dramas.  

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A few weeks ago I ranted about American Nepotistic Drift, building on an “interview” I conducted/concocted a couple years ago. With all of America about to be strapped down and force fed Bush-Clinton (dude, it’s as if McDonald's and Burger King slowly became our only two food sources and everyone just shrugged) it was only a matter of time before this N word had to be addressed by one of the Bush-Clinton complex facilitators. The New York Times did it in the most obvious way: “Just How Nepotistic Are We?” They miss the point but it’s a start. 

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